Thursday, March 23, 2006

Don't pet the Weasel

Crazy Train (of thought)

Right in the middle of the gourmet dinner Caitlyn asked: “Doesn’t it bother you that lobster tail looks like a brain, and asparagus makes your pee smell bad?” Well, it didn’t until then.

A few questions I have about girls:
1. Can you explain the whole color of white before Easter fashion rule thing again? And who cares?
2. Why does your underwear, which is a third the size of a cocktail napkin, cost three times more than my silk ties?
3. Why is arriving late an acceptable trademark?
4. Is all the squealing upon greeting friends really necessary?
5. What good sense does the “You can’t date him because I once did” code of ethics make?
6. Why spend all that money on “pretty” bras when if worn properly, no one will see it?
7. And why can’t it go in the dryer?
8. How is it that you can see the road while putting on eye make-up when driving?
9. How is it that you can essentially get any man to do almost anything you want, and men can barely get a dog to fetch a stick?
10. Why must you pack two outfits per day, plus two in case of emergencies, for an overnight trip?

Marital Bliss


My dear wife has raised her little fur ball beast to expect a treat after each bowel function. First of all, I don’t get rewarding the animal for doing something she must by do by the necessity of nature. Taking a dump involves no talent whatsoever. Yet that is the way it is, and I desire my wife’s happiness. Thus, I spent weeks trying different dog treats for Princess to find one she would not hurl within 3 minutes of eating it. Well I found one; organic peanut wafers stay down every time. The problem is, the mutt likes the treat so much she no longer does #1 and #2 in the same mission. She goes out for one, returns for a treat, and moments later, barks to go out to complete the duty (or doodie, depending on which came first). All I can say is, I’ve got a lotta love for my wife.

Kid-bytes

Meagan, Linley and I were driving home the other day, Meagan at the wheel, when a black cat ran across the road in our path. “Oh no,” I said. “Something bad is going to happen.”
“You believe in that stuff?” Linley asked.
Meagan suddenly sneezed and green slime splattered onto the dash board and steering wheel. I think it started to glow. Some started to drop off the turn signal stalk and onto the recently shampooed floor mat.
“Yes, I do,” I answered.

Today’s Rant

I know a guy who I will affectionately refer to as Weasel. Weasels are smelly animals, more odoriferous than skunks. They also live underground, eat dead things, and have no friends in the animal kingdom. I know another guy whom I shall call Bonehead. I have chosen this name because he has not an ounce of brains in his head. He is dumber than a turkey but thinks he is smart. From time to time I will act out my repressed aggression toward these two by documenting the antics of Bonehead and Weasel. For example…

Weasel once was married, then became divorced and began dating. Eventually his ex-wife began dating and soon had the desire to remarry. Weasel went berserk. He once said, “I could get my wife back any time I wanted, and I could date whoever I wanted, when I wanted. I had my cake and I could eat it too.” First of all, Weasel, the expression correctly stated is “You can’t eat your cake and have it, too.” There is a difference, although I’m sure you can’t see it. Secondly, only a selfish egotistical ass would say such a thing and really mean it. Perhaps that is why a weasel has no friends.

Book Report

My daughter was the inspiration for my first book. I wrote it because I realized I did not want her to date a guy who might be anything close to who I was when I was a teenager and young adult. I think a father’s hell is staying awake at night hoping his daughter will find someone who is a better man than himself. My books Why a Daughter Needs a Dad, Why I Love You, Love Signs, and Life Maps are all written with the hope that Meagan and Linley will read them and take the messages to heart, and choose a man that will honor and keep them through thick and thin. I know that these thoughts are not mine alone. I get emails from other fathers who share my concern and hope for their daughters, who would lie down in the road and sacrifice themselves to save their little angels from pain and suffering at the hand of a man who is an animal. Please Lord, I beg of you, lead them all far away from the likes of Weasel.

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