Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Intervention

Crazy Train (of thought)

Some turd-head removed one of the Support Our Troops magnets from my truck. What has happened to patriotism? Have we forgotten? Does no one recall the freedoms we all enjoy were fought for by SOLDIERS on our behalf? I think I’ll replace that magnet with two more just like it.

My dad used to tease us that he had a girlfriend named Mary Magdalene Howasy Hazelton and he carried a “photo” of her in his wallet; it was a bubble gum card of the One-eyed One-horned Purple People Eater. He used it to keep us in line; he threatened to have her come take us away in the middle of the night if we didn’t mind him. I think that is why I don’t chew gum and can’t stand the sound of someone who is.

The hardest part about working out at the gym is getting myself there. It’s all downhill on Easy Street after that.

I’m on my second draft of the keynote address I’m supposed to give at the fan club convention this weekend and I’m still not satisfied with it. I’m afraid Alicia, a school teacher, is going to correct my grammar in front of everybody. Maybe I’ll just blame it on the southern drawl.

As the artist and art connoisseur of the family, when it comes time to redecorate anything the task usually falls to me. We recently decided to buy new tableware and linens and I set out to find the perfect textures and colors to go with our kitchen. On my third trip to a particular store the same clerk who had helped me the two prior visits helped again. Feeling comfortable with me she became quite chatty looking for the linen hemstitch napkins in the copper color I had asked for. As she went on and on about my taste I could tell she thought I was an interior decorator of an alternate persuasion, so when she came out with the napkins I promptly spit in an umbrella stand and adjusted my crotch before asking if the place mats were available in toile.

Last night while at Target Jill stood mesmerized before the display of Halloween costumes for pets. When I looked up I saw her was reaching for one of them and something happened, I just snapped. Shouting “NO!” I tackled her in the aisle before she could get her hands on the Dracula outfit. I'm going to break this compulsion of hers.

Marital Bliss

Jill, the self-appointed Safety Officer of our family, insists that we wear reflective vests on our evening walks now that the sun goes down so much earlier. I don’t care much for them and typically pitch a fit about wearing mine, explaining it makes me look silly, but wanting my wife to be happy, I submit and wear it anyway, albeit against my will. We were not more than 50 yards from our house last night when a neighbor passed us on the street, hit the brakes and pulled over, rolled down his window, leaned his head out the window and screamed at the top of his lungs, “You look so cute with your reflectors on!” Thank God he didn’t see me with the protective headgear and knee pads on, too.

Book Report

I mentioned yesterday I will need your help on a book project in the near future. Please begin to collect email addresses of friends and family who you think would enjoy my books. I’m going to reach out to all in search of personal stories that just might make their way into the new book!

No comments: