Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Best of 2006, Part I

I have four book proposals out and am working feverishly on a fifth, so to save time I'm posting a few of my favs from the archives:

My wife insists that ice is a rock, thus explaining the term “on the rocks.” This is why I do all the cooking at our house.

“How does deja-vu work?” Meagan asked.
“It’s a neurological glitch, when the right and left hemispheres are not synchronized when encoding a memory,” I explained.
“What?” Linley asked, as Meagan rolled her eyes at me.
“Memories are stored on both sides of your brain. Do you know what that part of the brain that connects the hemispheres is called?”
“Juicy stuff?” Meagan said.
The badulla,” Jill interjected.
I rolled my eyes. “No, it’s the corpus callosum. It connects the hemispheres and coordinates the transfer of…,” I continued.
“I prefer to think it’s magical,” Jill said.
“Yes, it’s magical!” Linley shrieked.
“You’re such a freak, Dad,” Meagan concluded.

Linley damaged her cell phone so badly it hardly worked, so we replaced it. She’s a bit forgetful and promptly lost it within a week. She searched for it for days, but to no avail. Jill and I decided not to replace it, thinking a lesson needed to be taught. Last night I dropped myself onto the couch for a bit of relaxation watching television. I landed between the cushions, my butt pushing them apart somewhat. A shooting pain went through my spine. Guess what I found.

Why does it always take 20 minutes to fill a prescription, even if you are the only customer in the pharmacy?

I turned 46 today, and Meagan cheerfully announced that I am now more than half-way to 90!

“Good, that hot waiter is here.”
“Is that why you picked this restaurant?”
“Do you think he notices me?”
“How can he not, you’re prancing around for him.”
“I’m going to tell him I want to have his children.”
“Tell him before we order, perhaps we’ll get extra calamari.”
“How much are you going to spend on my birthday?”
“I don’t have to think about that for another two months.”
“Well I do, I need to pick stuff out.”
“You don’t think I can pick out something?”
“You have no fashion sense. By the way, what are you wearing to the parents’ reception at school tomorrow?”
“I thought I would just stay in my pajamas.”
“Freak.”
“Just write your phone number on the table. If he’s interested, he‘ll call.”
“I just farted. Do you think he heard me?”

1 comment:

Jessica said...

This post had me laughing a lot! Thanks for the chuckle!