Friday, October 24, 2008

Best of 2006, Part II

Meagan had a little talk with me about posting the details of her bodily functions. I promised not to identify HER bodily functions in the future. In the future, if it is necessary to write about a bodily function, I will attribute the function to Somebody, who could be anybody.

It rained yesterday and was cold, too. I was driving around town with the windows closed up tight and the heater going to keep the interior warm and toasty for all. Somebody farted and nearly killed me.

Meagan has informed me you can tell if you are sick or not by the sound of your poop splashing in the toilet. Says it’s something she learned on Oprah. I hope she remembers her homework, too.

Jill and I landed Saturday evening reservations at one of Atlanta’s hottest new restaurants, a gourmet Mexican place. She loves Mexican and southwestern food. Saturday afternoon I went with her to a medical appointment, one that had her bit nervous. Being a good husband, I rubbed her shoulders and went through some relaxation techniques with her, including visualization. After she said she was good I asked her what she had thought about. “Guacamole,” she said.

Somehow Linley and I got on the subject of how we would want to die. We agree that passing in your sleep is the best way to go. Number Two would be in an explosion, because it would be quick, and we both like fireworks.

I’ve learned that if the conversation with your daughter lulls, ask what’s going on in Desperate Housewives. She’ll talk so much you’ll want to take a nap afterward.

The funniest thing about watching reality television is hearing the stuff people will say without realizing they will have to live with it later. Just the other day, after escaping a scary experience, some church lady said “I just crapped a big load of turds.” Nice, grandma.

I took the kids to Target to buy a pack of pencils and two 3-ring binders. How did we manage to leave with that and three CDs, game software, mascara and a new bikini? All I got was a pack of mints.

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